Hello from my bed on Christmas day night, (technically boxing day because it is past 12). After a day full of family and far too much eating, I am nursing a killer stomach ache and thinking of how many boxing day sales my mom wants to head to in the morning. It is my sincere hope that each person who celebrated today was with those they care about. Today we played host my whole family, both my Mom and Dad's side,minus the usual exceptions (which you don't want me to get into) and of course Aunt Donna and Nana Maralyn who have passed. Today was also special because my Mom and Dad for the first time in quite a few years actually met my brother's girl friend. This, along with watching my favourite holiday movie, Love Actually, made me wonder "What is it about the holiday season and love?"
When you think of Christmas the images that often appear are those of love, happiness and so.much.food! All wonderful things of course, however thinking of where I was last Christmas and comparing it to where I am this year the difference is so obvious that it is difficult to see. Keeping in mind that I am only 20 years old, the amount of personal growth and change over this past year has significantly shaped who I have become since then. Last Christmas I was in my first serious relationship, my first "I love yous" were whispered and written and I felt so light, so happy. Then it ended.
This year I am in a happy relationship, though maybe not quite as serious as the aforementioned. Since last Christmas I have endured a feeling I don't ever want to feel again or want anyone to feel. Heartbreak. But sadly neither I nor anyone else is immune to this. Everyone will wonder; what happened? Was it my fault? How will I overcome this? The one thing you can do is grow from this and understand it as a painful yet completely unique and significant experience in shaping who we become. I wonder where I have come since then, where I can go, who I have become and who I will turn out to be?
I have broken the surface of the water holding me down, but somehow there seems to be something trying to block my way, a fat kid on an inter-tube perhaps, or could it be an elephant in a tiny room. This overweight child in the inflatable toy being the fact that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend have actually become good friends and the elephant apparently (according to the latter party) being me. Now really, I don't care about fat kids and fun pool toys, run a-muck, have a blast that is what pool toys are for, but don't make it feel like the elephant wandered into a room as if it was lost.
Regardless, I have overcome the hard part and am now in a situation where I must deal with what I firmly believe should NOT be awkward but is somehow being made into an awkward situation. This really makes me start to wonder, "is trying to be friendly really worth it?" Since last February when things ended, yes I was hurt, but I have moved on from that and decided the only option is to be friendly and nice, like I would be to any of my own friends or my boyfriend's friends. But why has this seemed to have backfired on me. Was it a mistake to make an effort to avoid awkwardness? Should I have acted like I would when holding a door for a stranger; polite and civil, indifferent? This is the hurdle I am left to try to clear.
Now I sit and watch friends in various stages of relationships. My Best friend and her boyfriend are at such a relaxed and comfortable stage roughly 10 months in. My best guy friend, just starting a new and exciting relationship, still so nervous. I pull from them and they pull from me. I realize that friends and family are what give you that boost to clear the hurdles. They don't want to see you hurt. They don't want to see you torn. They want to see you happy. They want to see you overcome your hardships. They want to see you grow. The holidays are when you truly get that support from your family and friends. Despite everyone being so busy, time is always made for those friends and family members who need a shoulder.
The growth I am looking forward to this year is growing in my current relationship. Just shy of being 8 months in. Growing closer, understanding more, continuing to be happy.
Lessons Learned
- From pain come invaluable growth
- Avoid awkwardness if you can
- If a certain person ever reads this, you still have my plate from last years Christmas cookies, it has cats on it, and it belonged to my Nana before she died. I would kinda like it back.....
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