Hello from my bed on Christmas day night, (technically boxing day because it is past 12). After a day full of family and far too much eating, I am nursing a killer stomach ache and thinking of how many boxing day sales my mom wants to head to in the morning. It is my sincere hope that each person who celebrated today was with those they care about. Today we played host my whole family, both my Mom and Dad's side,minus the usual exceptions (which you don't want me to get into) and of course Aunt Donna and Nana Maralyn who have passed. Today was also special because my Mom and Dad for the first time in quite a few years actually met my brother's girl friend. This, along with watching my favourite holiday movie, Love Actually, made me wonder "What is it about the holiday season and love?"
When you think of Christmas the images that often appear are those of love, happiness and so.much.food! All wonderful things of course, however thinking of where I was last Christmas and comparing it to where I am this year the difference is so obvious that it is difficult to see. Keeping in mind that I am only 20 years old, the amount of personal growth and change over this past year has significantly shaped who I have become since then. Last Christmas I was in my first serious relationship, my first "I love yous" were whispered and written and I felt so light, so happy. Then it ended.
This year I am in a happy relationship, though maybe not quite as serious as the aforementioned. Since last Christmas I have endured a feeling I don't ever want to feel again or want anyone to feel. Heartbreak. But sadly neither I nor anyone else is immune to this. Everyone will wonder; what happened? Was it my fault? How will I overcome this? The one thing you can do is grow from this and understand it as a painful yet completely unique and significant experience in shaping who we become. I wonder where I have come since then, where I can go, who I have become and who I will turn out to be?
I have broken the surface of the water holding me down, but somehow there seems to be something trying to block my way, a fat kid on an inter-tube perhaps, or could it be an elephant in a tiny room. This overweight child in the inflatable toy being the fact that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend have actually become good friends and the elephant apparently (according to the latter party) being me. Now really, I don't care about fat kids and fun pool toys, run a-muck, have a blast that is what pool toys are for, but don't make it feel like the elephant wandered into a room as if it was lost.
Regardless, I have overcome the hard part and am now in a situation where I must deal with what I firmly believe should NOT be awkward but is somehow being made into an awkward situation. This really makes me start to wonder, "is trying to be friendly really worth it?" Since last February when things ended, yes I was hurt, but I have moved on from that and decided the only option is to be friendly and nice, like I would be to any of my own friends or my boyfriend's friends. But why has this seemed to have backfired on me. Was it a mistake to make an effort to avoid awkwardness? Should I have acted like I would when holding a door for a stranger; polite and civil, indifferent? This is the hurdle I am left to try to clear.
Now I sit and watch friends in various stages of relationships. My Best friend and her boyfriend are at such a relaxed and comfortable stage roughly 10 months in. My best guy friend, just starting a new and exciting relationship, still so nervous. I pull from them and they pull from me. I realize that friends and family are what give you that boost to clear the hurdles. They don't want to see you hurt. They don't want to see you torn. They want to see you happy. They want to see you overcome your hardships. They want to see you grow. The holidays are when you truly get that support from your family and friends. Despite everyone being so busy, time is always made for those friends and family members who need a shoulder.
The growth I am looking forward to this year is growing in my current relationship. Just shy of being 8 months in. Growing closer, understanding more, continuing to be happy.
Lessons Learned
- From pain come invaluable growth
- Avoid awkwardness if you can
- If a certain person ever reads this, you still have my plate from last years Christmas cookies, it has cats on it, and it belonged to my Nana before she died. I would kinda like it back.....
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Lesson 5 - I Know What Your Going Through
Once again I find myself doing what all students seem to excel at, procrastinating. It truly is wonderful but so stressful at the same time. In my battle against school work and studying last night I found myself writing Christmas cards to all my residents. If you wonder who these residents are, well When I say I work with students, I really do. I am currently the Head Resident Assistant at King's University College at the University of Western Ontario. Essentially I am the student staff who is the RA for the other 16 RA's here but also my floor of 25 first year girls. If you are wondering what an RA does well its too much to explain, but my one resident last year explained it the best; I am the floor mom. Back to my original point. I was writing these 25 Christmas cards (not all were Christmas yay for diversity) and as I was writing each little message I noticed I was writing "Have a wonderful time celebrating with family and friends". It made me think about the resident I have this year that have lost her uncle and the other two who lost their grandmothers in the past 2 months. I began to wonder what their holidays would be like without those loved ones. This is when I happened to look up at my bookcase and notice perhaps my most cherished possession.
This possession is the duel framed poem and picture that my mommy framed and gave me for Christmas last year. The significance of this is that it is a photo of my Nana and I, and the poem I wrote and read at her funeral. My Nana, who died August 5th 2008 has been gone just over a year and it continues to be terribly hard to believe. Last Christmas was the first one without her. I remember the mood all too well; it was an odd, somber, almost guilty mood. Guilty in the sense that we were still celebrating without her. Guilty in the sense that we were laughing without her. Guilty in the sense that by celebrating we were in a way ignoring the fact that she wasn't with us; but we all knew that everyone else was thinking of her, and thinking how much she would love all of this and how much she did love this.
I guess that it is something similar to this that my three residents would experience this holiday season. But I started to think that it is impossible to ever say "I know what you are going through". You never really know what someone is going through because each person handles things, grieves, and perceives things differently. As much as you think you know what someone is going through, you never will and you will never understand. It is something so impossibly personal and individual. No one knows how hard I sobbed when I went to bed Christmas eve last year, how I sat beside the tree when I was supposed to be getting ready just staring at my Nana's old ornaments from her tree that were now on mine, how much I missed her.
That being said, don't shy away away from sending comfort to those that have lost a loved one, by all means, we really need it. Just think about what you say to them, do you really know just what they are going through?
Lessons Learned
-You can NEVER really know what someone is going through
-Give comfort, give laughs, and most of all give love
-Don't ever feel guilty about celebrating without a loved one, they are still there celebrating with you
This possession is the duel framed poem and picture that my mommy framed and gave me for Christmas last year. The significance of this is that it is a photo of my Nana and I, and the poem I wrote and read at her funeral. My Nana, who died August 5th 2008 has been gone just over a year and it continues to be terribly hard to believe. Last Christmas was the first one without her. I remember the mood all too well; it was an odd, somber, almost guilty mood. Guilty in the sense that we were still celebrating without her. Guilty in the sense that we were laughing without her. Guilty in the sense that by celebrating we were in a way ignoring the fact that she wasn't with us; but we all knew that everyone else was thinking of her, and thinking how much she would love all of this and how much she did love this.
I guess that it is something similar to this that my three residents would experience this holiday season. But I started to think that it is impossible to ever say "I know what you are going through". You never really know what someone is going through because each person handles things, grieves, and perceives things differently. As much as you think you know what someone is going through, you never will and you will never understand. It is something so impossibly personal and individual. No one knows how hard I sobbed when I went to bed Christmas eve last year, how I sat beside the tree when I was supposed to be getting ready just staring at my Nana's old ornaments from her tree that were now on mine, how much I missed her.
That being said, don't shy away away from sending comfort to those that have lost a loved one, by all means, we really need it. Just think about what you say to them, do you really know just what they are going through?
Lessons Learned
-You can NEVER really know what someone is going through
-Give comfort, give laughs, and most of all give love
-Don't ever feel guilty about celebrating without a loved one, they are still there celebrating with you
My Nana and I on Christmas
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Lesson 4 - What do you fear?
While I was studying and sleeping away nearly any free time I had in the past little while I stumbled upon this neat little website. This website is a phobia guide! It was very interesting to go through the different phobias. There were some that made me laugh and others that made me terribly sad to think that there are people out there that are actually afflicted with these phobias. This is when I began to think about why are people afraid of things? How does this affect their lives? and what am I afraid of?
On this list of phobias there were some very interesting ones, such as cacophobia which is the fear of ugliness. Is this being scared of being ugly, or seeing someone who is ugly? There were also some that I could not warp my head around, such as Geliophobia; the fear of laughing. How can you be sacred of laughing? It is perhaps the most wonderful thing in the world; not only is it the best medicine, it is also the best ab workout! Could it be that some people are scared to let themselves be happy? Is it a fear that once things begin to come together that they will suddenly come crashing down. That is the point where I began to think "What am I scared of?"
I know there are some things I am terrified of such as drowning, and being set on fire, being slowly crushed under a giant pile trees and rocks after a heat seeking missile blew up my house....you know the usual. But really, what was I scared of? That is when I found Monophobia, the fear of being alone. Now I didn't know if it meant being alone in a room or being alone for the rest of your life in the sense that you never find a significant other to spend it with. I am not afraid being alone, in fact there are some days that I rather enjoy being a social hermit, but the thought of not sharing my life with someone special really upset me. I think of my parents and see their life together, (which will be 25 years in June) and I think of how lucky they are and how lucky I am. I want to be able to find someone that I can build a home with and make dinner with and steal the remote from when my favourite shows are on.
I then got to thinking of what breaks up some relationships. Is it the fear of being alone that makes one very clingy? Is it the one person's fear of not being alone, that makes the other fear commitment? But why is it that the one who fears commitment leaves the other one yet enters a long term relationship not even 2 months later? Did something magically change within that month and a bit? This is what lead me to another thought, what cures a fear?
Is it the exposure to what you fear that cures it, or is it growth over time that allows you to conquer it? I think almost everyone has seen those episodes of Maurry where he makes people face their phobias such as Coulrophobia (fear of clowns) and Lachanophobia (fear of vegetables). But really who is scared of carrots and peas? Really? Also, do those people really et over their fears? How does maturing allow you to get over your fears? Does it make you realize that you are being completely unrealistic? How does one over come the fear of commitment? Is it seeing past relationships fail and it suddenly turns into the fear of being alone? Or is it just finding that certain someone that makes you fear being without them?
Lessons Learned
-Don't be scared to show someone that you care
-Learn to embrace your fears and over come them, what ever they may be
-Get your recommended daily servings of vegetables
- http://www.phobiaguide.com/
On this list of phobias there were some very interesting ones, such as cacophobia which is the fear of ugliness. Is this being scared of being ugly, or seeing someone who is ugly? There were also some that I could not warp my head around, such as Geliophobia; the fear of laughing. How can you be sacred of laughing? It is perhaps the most wonderful thing in the world; not only is it the best medicine, it is also the best ab workout! Could it be that some people are scared to let themselves be happy? Is it a fear that once things begin to come together that they will suddenly come crashing down. That is the point where I began to think "What am I scared of?"
I know there are some things I am terrified of such as drowning, and being set on fire, being slowly crushed under a giant pile trees and rocks after a heat seeking missile blew up my house....you know the usual. But really, what was I scared of? That is when I found Monophobia, the fear of being alone. Now I didn't know if it meant being alone in a room or being alone for the rest of your life in the sense that you never find a significant other to spend it with. I am not afraid being alone, in fact there are some days that I rather enjoy being a social hermit, but the thought of not sharing my life with someone special really upset me. I think of my parents and see their life together, (which will be 25 years in June) and I think of how lucky they are and how lucky I am. I want to be able to find someone that I can build a home with and make dinner with and steal the remote from when my favourite shows are on.
I then got to thinking of what breaks up some relationships. Is it the fear of being alone that makes one very clingy? Is it the one person's fear of not being alone, that makes the other fear commitment? But why is it that the one who fears commitment leaves the other one yet enters a long term relationship not even 2 months later? Did something magically change within that month and a bit? This is what lead me to another thought, what cures a fear?
Is it the exposure to what you fear that cures it, or is it growth over time that allows you to conquer it? I think almost everyone has seen those episodes of Maurry where he makes people face their phobias such as Coulrophobia (fear of clowns) and Lachanophobia (fear of vegetables). But really who is scared of carrots and peas? Really? Also, do those people really et over their fears? How does maturing allow you to get over your fears? Does it make you realize that you are being completely unrealistic? How does one over come the fear of commitment? Is it seeing past relationships fail and it suddenly turns into the fear of being alone? Or is it just finding that certain someone that makes you fear being without them?
Lessons Learned
-Don't be scared to show someone that you care
-Learn to embrace your fears and over come them, what ever they may be
-Get your recommended daily servings of vegetables
- http://www.phobiaguide.com/
Lesson 3 - Due Dates
Holy Chipotle!
This past month and a half have been the most jam packed and busy I have been......ever. With 3 mid-terms, two presentations and four papers done I thought I would finally be able to relax (and you know finish that other blog post). But that is when I realized "oh wait! Its December, this means exams and getting my Christmas cards and gifts for others prepared". Joy, YES! Joy to the season of Christmas, but evil death glare to the season of exams! GRRR. Why is it that professors feel the need to assign due dates all within the same week or day of your other 4 courses. There are many theories to this, here is what seems to be the most popular.
It is a bright sunny August day! All the students are either working hard and preparing to get terribly drunk that night, or all the students are relaxing doing nothing except preparing to get terribly drunk that night. The professors have a due date, their assignment....hand in their course syllabus with reading schedule, and assignment due dates in tact. In lieu of the fact that they are inside this wonderful day and all the students are getting trashed, they decided to royally screw all the student come November and December. All it took was that one bitter professor to blurt out, "HEY! Let's really get them! They screw them so hard they will become social hermits of fail out of the class". All the other professors jumped up and cheer in agreement. It is at this point that one poor student felt a strange rumble and realized that they were all screwed.....royally. It was his mission to inform all the other students that they needed to get things done early. This student began his mission that night and ended when everyone became social hermits or were so piss drunk the night before a mid-term that he was glad to see them fail.
And back to reality. I don't understand why professors do that. Is it that they genuinely don't know or think that students have any other courses with any other due dates or readings. I mean really, as a full time student I have five courses I need to read for, why do professors feel they need to assign 100 to 130 pages of readings a week. I would just love to see one professor assign something that is due in September and then have the regular mid term and exam. If just one or two of my professors did that, my life would be so much less hectic.
Enough of my whining and complaining. We all got through it and now its time to prep for exams. But right now I am going to do what students seem to be best at, procrastinate!
This past month and a half have been the most jam packed and busy I have been......ever. With 3 mid-terms, two presentations and four papers done I thought I would finally be able to relax (and you know finish that other blog post). But that is when I realized "oh wait! Its December, this means exams and getting my Christmas cards and gifts for others prepared". Joy, YES! Joy to the season of Christmas, but evil death glare to the season of exams! GRRR. Why is it that professors feel the need to assign due dates all within the same week or day of your other 4 courses. There are many theories to this, here is what seems to be the most popular.
It is a bright sunny August day! All the students are either working hard and preparing to get terribly drunk that night, or all the students are relaxing doing nothing except preparing to get terribly drunk that night. The professors have a due date, their assignment....hand in their course syllabus with reading schedule, and assignment due dates in tact. In lieu of the fact that they are inside this wonderful day and all the students are getting trashed, they decided to royally screw all the student come November and December. All it took was that one bitter professor to blurt out, "HEY! Let's really get them! They screw them so hard they will become social hermits of fail out of the class". All the other professors jumped up and cheer in agreement. It is at this point that one poor student felt a strange rumble and realized that they were all screwed.....royally. It was his mission to inform all the other students that they needed to get things done early. This student began his mission that night and ended when everyone became social hermits or were so piss drunk the night before a mid-term that he was glad to see them fail.
And back to reality. I don't understand why professors do that. Is it that they genuinely don't know or think that students have any other courses with any other due dates or readings. I mean really, as a full time student I have five courses I need to read for, why do professors feel they need to assign 100 to 130 pages of readings a week. I would just love to see one professor assign something that is due in September and then have the regular mid term and exam. If just one or two of my professors did that, my life would be so much less hectic.
Enough of my whining and complaining. We all got through it and now its time to prep for exams. But right now I am going to do what students seem to be best at, procrastinate!
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